Ti voglio bene

"Ti voglio bene" are, in my opinion, the most touching words in Italian. Simply they mean "I wish you well" but there's a deeper meaning to them; I want the best for you, I wish you get everything you want, I love you so much I will lasso the moon and give it to you (George Bailey's It's a Wonderful Life style). My father-in-law always says it, he ends text messages or emails with it. It's almost his signature and when he says it, it means the deepest of the meanings of it and you love my father-in-law more because of how he uses those words. My husband is truly his father's son, there's no son who walks closer in the shadow of his father, without trying or wanting to. My father-in-law, an emigrant from Nicastro, Calabria, Southern Italy, ever the romantic, brought his new wife to America for a better life, raised four children in the new land, saw two of them graduate from college, saw one son (my husband) become an Officer in the Air Force, bought a beautiful house with cash,  owned his own pizzeria, and lived the American dream. All the while while working 110%, never complaining, loving with fullness rarely seen in people, and yet with a shadow of sadness in the corner of his brown eyes betraying the pain he has experienced in his life while trying to mask it with his full, broad smile. My husband's father has seen his pain and sorrow in his life with an alcoholic abusive father who basically forced Joe's father to leave home barely older than 10 to find work in the restaurants of northern Italy. He persevered, he adapted, he learned how to cook, he joined the military, he loved, he continued to smile.

I have an old passport picture of my father-in-law, it's a picture of my husband. Same broad square jaw, same challenge in the mouth, same tenseness in his muscles, same dark eyebrows, same wariness in the eyes. Now Joe shares the betraying shadow of sadness in his eyes, Joe unfortunately has had his own experiences with deep sadness, much I'm sure at the doing of the person who loves him most but doesn't seem to always show it best.

It can be unnerving to look at my father-in-law and know that my husband is growing into my father-in-law but I will could be less blessed! Every quality my father-in-law has makes him a strong Christian father and leader of his household and these traits thankfully were passed down to his son, my husband.

My husband is who brought me back closer to God. When we were dating and when we were newly married, I thought it was good enough to claim to be Catholic, I wasn't in the mood to give more to God than that. Joe was Pentecostal, I had no idea what that was and I didn't care because in my mind, Catholics stay Catholic, even if only in name. Then we had our first child and I wanted our children raised in a Christian house so I returned to my Catholic roots, immediately baptized our daughter, attended a service or two, but that's it.

By the time our second daughter was born, I knew I wasn't Catholic anymore but I was starving spiritually. I felt a craving and we started 'church shopping'. If you have never church shopped, it's not something to take on lightly. Every door of a new church we would be greeted with strangers with either wary eyes, blasé eyes, hungry eyes, or cheerful eyes. Imagination raced! We witnessed many different styles of attempting to praise God, we slipped out of a few churches mid-sermon, we returned 'Get to Know You' cards empty or only partially filled out, scared of what some of these people would do with our address! Finally, we defeatedly tried the base chapel. We walked in and felt right at home! With a Pentecostal evangelistic preacher Chaplain Tate! I wasn't sure what we would find on base but it was not him! Through his colorful sermons (What do you call a person who attends church only on Easter and Christmas? Cheesters) and bold words ("If your neighbor's house is burning down, would you just walk away? The same with his soul! If he is living a damned life, do not just walk away but save him!") I slowly came closer to God than I had been since a child. It was nice to be close again to God and know He had been waiting all this time for me to return to His side.

As what happens with military families, we moved but the seed was planted.  From Luke Air Force Base, in Arizona, to New Mexico, Italy, and now in New York, my faith was completely restored and my walk with God continued to strengthen. And we needed it. Just like everyone, we faced trials and, through our relationship with God, we faced and overcame some horrible trials. My mother passed away in 2003, our marriage was tested, Joe was laid off while we lived overseas, and then we have the cancer trial that we are currently going through. And through it all, God has been there to walk us through whatever the trial.

My dad and I were having a conversation recently regarding my cancer and God's hand in it. My father was raised in a more confusing religious experience which has led him to be more skeptical of God's existence and role in our lives. I believe he believes in God but just not has figured out how to process the information. My father was raised Lutheran and would attend church on Sundays but he also had grandparents who were a pair of country preachers who preached their own style of version of Christianity and held seances on the side! My father and my uncle remember being dragged to basements to watch seances and remember cones and tables moving - that would be enough to confuse any child on what to think of God! So my father has 'tolerated' my Christianity rebirth and grew to stop making fun of my prayers before meals (something we didn't do when I was young), and through this cancer trial I truly believe he has started to let go of some of his skeptical views and might actually be starting to accept the role God has in our (and his) life.

Back to the conversation my father and I were having....My dad said it wasn't just fair. It wasn't fair that if there is a God, why would He give me cancer. There are terrible, nasty people in the world and why aren't they given cancer, why did God give my father's daughter cancer, and give his daughter cancer so many times. I corrected my father; God didn't give me the cancer. God doesn't deal out afflictions but He is here to help us get through them. I've always loved science, I thought I was going to be a doctor when I grew up, and I remember when I was very young, maybe 6, and recognizing at that young age that our world was getting populated exponentially quickly. To complicate matters, as our health continued to get better and illnesses were being cured or eradicated, people would be living longer, adding to the growing population. I realized at that age that our planet is a stationary size and that at some time, it would not be able to accommodate the amount of people that continue to be born. So at this young age I thought about a government agency who's sole role was controlling population. It would basically be a hit squad, assassins who would be in charge of randomly pick off an assigned number of people every day. These would do their jobs with precision and dedication without emotion, they would be able to look an old man in the eye and then shoot his grandchild whom he was holding the hand of and then walk a few blocks away and shoot a middle age man who was taking a smoke break from his corporate job. And by doing this, the government would be able to control the population (like deer season) and keep the world from falling into a global famine or economic downward spiral from supporting such a huge population. Yes, I had a cold view I guess on reality at such a young age! But I feel I had an idea on why bad things happen. Because they have to. Earthquakes, heart attacks, cancer are nature's way of trying to keep population in check, ergo, we have death in our lives. But having a strong relationship with God helps us get through the disasters in our lives. Holding onto Him helps us make sense of the tragedies in this life.

I don't ask God 'Why?' as much anymore. It doesn't really matter. And I know at the base of it, there isn't really a 'Why', it just happened. Just like why my mom's heart and lungs just decided to stop working on June 3rd nine years ago, leaving my father a widow. Instead I try to focus on the constant counseling God is giving me as I go through this. I'm fortunate that I have been able to hear God talk to me throughout this trial and God has even provided visions and dreams to me through this trial. He has said and shown me amazing things through this trial and each experience has embolden me to be able to get through this trial. My goal is to share all of those visions and conversations with my blog audience and try to help the readers to learn how to pick out God's voice and be able to recognize His voice so everyone can finally hear Him because He is always speaking to all of us, we just tune Him out because of all the other voices and distractions we have going on around us. His voice becomes like the air conditioner or fan humming in the room, you know its there but  you learned how to tune it out.

So, ti voglio bene, I truly wish you all well. Have a wonderful day today and embrace the beginning of this new year. Instead of focusing on resolutions, focus on something you are grateful for. If you can find something new every day to be grateful for, you will realize how blessed you are and will live a much happier life. We are raised to be focused on what we don't have, to focus on obtaining those material items that will make us feel complete and happy, but the world has become a place in which we continually want more and more 'things' to try to feel happy but we never seem to feel satisfied, regardless of what items we surround ourselves with. So instead, try to focus on things you already have in your life (or don't have in your life like cancer) and thank God for those things every day. In short time you will start to change your focus and realize you are truly blessed.

And Happy Birthday to my father-in-law. Thank you for instilling your principles in your son. Thank you for being the wonderful father you are so that my husband had such a great role model to emulate. Ti voglio bene Dad.