Valleys

I'm a notorious non-sleeper, at least at night. I love to sleep all day. I would be the best midnight radio DJ or bartender. But Joe won't let me do either job so I try to sleep like the rest of the family. Normally though I stay up late and either read, go downstairs and find a sappy movie to watch, blog, or talk to God. About three weeks ago, I was in bed having a late night chat with God and felt that heavy presence slowly blanket me like I felt before, back in August of 2011 on my late night drive from Pennsylvania. So I knew some important information was about to be relayed to me so I made sure to be attentive. Its so surreal when I get blessed with these conversations with God because they can happen anywhere - driving a 2003 Honda Odyssey in Pennsylvania or in the middle of the night in my bed, next to my peacefully sleeping husband. There doesn't seem to be rules as to where/when/attire when getting to listen to God speak to you, which is awesome, because if there was a clothing standard I would never get to listen to God's voice! Thankfully God is so accepting, He is willing to pass along important information to me in a pair of Hollister sleep pants and a t-shirt from our old Aviano Sea Dragons swim team!

This particular night I felt more like it was the Holy Spirit speaking to me, not God Himself, but the Holy Spirit. Don't ask me how I can tell the difference, but something more casual? I don't know. But it just felt like it more of the Holy Spirit of the Trinity speaking to me. And what was expressed to me were less words than a feeling I need to understand.

Without confusing my readers anymore, I basically understood that a deep valley is coming. Soon. It will hurt. It will be the closest I will come to dying. BUT I won't die. And, the worse news of the message, that Joe's faith would be tested. Some of the immediate thoughts I had were in pertaining to going through a clinical trial. My oncologist has been trying to get me into a clinical trial, there are a few promising new drugs that have been in clinical trials and the hope is that I can get into one of them because my current medicine, Zelboraf, seems to starting to plateau, it has an average work timeline of 7 months and I've been on it for 9 months. In the past few months a large subcutaneous tumor has appeared on my left top rib and won't stop growing. Also my brain tumors suddenly started growing last month and caused brain seizures in my left frontal lobe. So my tumors appear to have started awakening again. At the last appointment I had with my oncologist she brought up standard chemotherapy even if we can't get my tumors to stop growing. So I have to assume the valley is regarding to a new, more powerful treatment. Before the brain tumors started growing, I was one week away from starting a clinical trial and my doctor assured me that the pain issues of the clinical trial had been worked out and while receiving the experimental drug, I would also be receiving an iv cocktail of Demerol, Benedryl, and other medicines to alleviate any pains from the experimental drug - gulp. So there appears to be pain involved with some of these clinical trials that would definitely be considered a valley.

I spoke back (!!) to the Holy Spirit AND also to God and asserted that I will MARCH into the valley without any fear, I will take any pain and not complain, I will take on this valley BUT He needs to promise to deliver me out of the valley fully restored in my health, fully healed, and deliver me back to my family because I'm selfish and can't give up my beautiful family and cannot be without them. I promised God that Joe can have his faith tested and that Joe has such a strong relationship with God and has such strong faith that any testing of his faith will just cause his faith to grow that much deeper. I have complete confidence that Joe can be tested to his core and be able to always find a molecule of faith left to hold onto.

But I would be lying by saying the conversation didn't bother me. I would be lying if I said I'm not scared. I am totally scared! I'm also resolved to have to go through it so its like knowing the flu shot is coming, you know you need it but that it's going to hurt. So you try to relax your bicep and focus on the crack in the tile on the floor instead of looking at the needle in the nurse's hand.

So right now I'm doing all I can do. I am waiting to go into the valley and while I wait, I ready myself with prayer. I try not to drive myself crazy and wonder what is going to happen, I have a pretty good vibe of what will happen, instead I am trying to focus on getting on with my life after coming out of the valley. I am trying to focus on appreciating God's mercy by having these conversations with me instead of thinking about of the subject of the conversation. God has been communicating with Joe and I like this since (at least) the beginning of 2007 with an amazing dream He gave Joe and somehow I felt as Joe was dreaming it- I'll detail another time.

So, stay alert with me. I don't think there will be alarms going off or a buzzer that goes off to let me know 'You have started down into the valley Angi', instead I think I'll just start descending and then one day I'll realize that I have been in the valley. I might already in the valley. I gained 19 pounds in the past two weeks thanks to Decadron, a steroid I am on to keep the brain tumors from causing inflammation in my brain, so my face is puffed up and I have fat deposits all around my ribcage, breastbone, and neck, so a simple hug can causes insane pain. I don't think any of my jeans will even fit. Tomorrow's oncologist appointment will be in stretchy exercise pants! Thankfully I'm being weaned off of the steroid so hopefully the extra weight plus sensitive fat deposits will start to disappear. So maybe I've already tread a few steps into the valley. Does it matter though? No matter what, its coming. And the deal is that I will MARCH into it, I won't pansy tip-toe into it or sidestep into it with shaking knees - nope, I charged God that I will MARCH into the valley as long as He promises to bring me out of it fully restored. And He agreed. We pinky sweared. So do me a favor, grab a poster board, write some motivational phrase on it, stand along the valley's edge, hold up your sign for me to see, shout to me, and pray for me to have strength as I go through the valley and pray for Joe to be able to hold onto his faith throughout the depths of the valley.

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though the waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging....The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress"   Psalm 46: 1-7